I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
