I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
