Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
