we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
