Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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