I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
