tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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