I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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