Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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