Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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