Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize