Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
