Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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