So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
