2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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