Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
