Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
