dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
