I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize