And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
