So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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