Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
