I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you inspire me to be a worse person
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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