Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize