i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
