True but thats because hes a fetus.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
