I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So. Much. Porn.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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