No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
