I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
