I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
