dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
