there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just gift wrapped bread.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
