I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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