i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
