I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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