dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
