im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
