That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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