If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
