I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She bit a glass in half.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
