If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
