As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
