Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We talked him into tasing himself.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He did a backflip because drugs
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