you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize