I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
