FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
