You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
