The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
