Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
