I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
