It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize