i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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