He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
