If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
