and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
did i just pee glitter
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
