During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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