if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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