I cockslap morals
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
