Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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