Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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