I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
