I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize