I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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